There are many levels of Christian devotionals.  For a quick and easy fix order a calendar with a daily Bible verse or sign up online for a “Thought of the Day”- a dose of Christianity delivered to your inbox daily. However, most Christians choose some type of book in order to guide their nap, I mean, devo time. 

There are many options to choose from, and one must first select the appropriate demographic that you would like to assign yourself too: Devotionals for men, women, teens, couples, African Americans, Caucasian Native Americans, Pacific Islanders, or Other.  Each of these devos are highly adaptable to your specific life situation, therefore, choose wisely.  If you accidentally wander into the devo for European Americans of Swedish descent but are indeed of Danish roots, you may very well stray from the message God intended for you.

You will likely find the appropriate devo for even the most specific groups. B& H Publishing Group offers “Bible Promises for Champions.”  If you are not a champion, be advised to not read this devotional, as it would only offer Godly tips for those who are truly looking to succeed in life.

Once you’ve decided your demographic next you must choose a time frame: 31 days with God, 365 tips for yearly servanthood, or the strategic 7 minutes with Jesus (to be coordinated with your 6 minute abs: always attribute one more minute to Jesus than any of your other daily activities).

You’ve selected the correct group and time frame: Congratulations! You’re ready to purchase your first devotional book and truly join the masses of Christians who commit daily to figuring out what exactly they’re supposed to be doing during a devo in the first place.  Just remember, whether on the golf course or hunting for Bengal tigers in the forests of India, there is no life situation untouched by the perfect devotional book for you.

The joys of evangelizing* to the unreached* populations of another country for a 2-4 week stay accompanied with sight-seeing and souvenir shopping are priceless.  Just like most Caucasians spend their time worrying about poor people, Christians spend their time time worrying also about the poor but non-Christian people in other countries.  They feel guilty and sad that Christians in Ethiopa worship in mud huts instead of renovated, state of the art, 3 story cathedrals with gymnasiums and puppet ministries.  Christians also feel guilty that non-Christians in other countries are worshipping animals and rocks instead of a marketable Jesus and will never get to wear merchandise such as a WWJD bracelet.

At some point in their faith journey a Christian will venture to a third-world territory known in Christian subcultures as the 10/40 window*.  The 10/40 window is cleverly named after the section of the globe that is most unreached by the gospel*, which lies across Africa and Asia from 10 degrees latitude north of the equator to 40 degrees latitude north of the equator.

The 10/40 Window is shown in red. As a new Christian you should become familar with this diagram:

The 10/40 window is a haven for Christians who are hoping to share their brand of American Christianity while at the same time checking another country off of their “To Visit” list.  During the 2-4 week visit, Christians are also able to gain all the information needed to come back to America and be experts on a certain culture.  After your short term mission trip you will be asked regularly to share about your experience in front of the congregation* and Sunday school groups. It would be appropriate during this talk to wear all of the authentic clothing and jewelry you purchased during your visit and greet your audience with a traditional hello in the native language of the country you visited.  Make sure to share pictures of yourself interacting with the native people, and stories about the dangerous scenarios you could have possibly been involved in by witnessing in a hostile territory.

During your trip it is important to remember all the valuable information you have to share with the natives, as you are an American Christian, and therefore knowledgable in many areas that need to be shared with the rest of the world.  Thank goodness for translators!

Your short-term mission trip will be an arduous journey, full of un-air conditioned rooms, squatter bathrooms, strange and unfamiliar people and customs, and many times no ice cubes in sight for your soft drinks.  Never fear! Often the last day of your journey is set aside to visit the local resort/spa, bargain for souvenirs, and a safari.  But the rest is hard-earned, as you have truly been a beacon of hope to many uncivilized people groups.

The average revelation walk centers around a group of white friends who enter dangerous territory when they begin experimenting with drugs and alcohol.  Those entering the venue will next come to a tragic and elaborate scene with a crashed car involved in a drunk driving accident, wherein several of the teenagers in the original vignette have now been killed. The next scene is the clincher, where each of the teens involved in the crash are now depicted entering either heaven or hell, complete with mist, fog, and an eery Halloween soundtrack.

Imagine the horror as you watch Susie being saved; Bobby rejecting Jesus; and then Billy who is initially undecided, but later trusts Jesus. A recent article states, “the Hell scene usually consists of a dark room heated to about 80 degrees into which the participants are herded to listen to agonizing screams from invisible speakers that surround them. Heaven is usually depicted as a bright white room (with no deficit of air conditioning) where one is surrounded by soft music and men and women dressed in heavenly garb.”

However, there are several variations of the Christian haunted house for churches to choose from: the horrible tragedies arising from pre-marital sex, abortions, and of course the dangers associated with dabbling in the occult and therefore becoming demon-possessed.

As a new Christian who may be unexperienced in full-frontal witnessing, we’ve presented to you the easy, step-by-step process of the Roman Road, and now the ability to claim Halloween for Christ by scaring your friends senseless at a Hell House.  You’re best bet for a conversion* may be to invite your non-Christian friend to the event without forewarning him/her of the Christian theme.  In this way, your friend is able to experience the full-effect of the judgment scene.  For this reason, you may want to avoid wearing your typical Christian t-shirt, hand bracelet, and necklace at the event so as to not clue your friend into the exciting evening ahead.

Remember the joys of living for Christ could never outweigh the terror of avoiding Hell, so make sure to seasonally visit a Judgment house in your area.

Just like another powerful figure in the country, Michael prefers to keep the “W” in his name.  In fact, many Christians wonder who would Michael w. Smith be without the W? Certainly he would not have had the same rise to fame as Michael Smith alone.

 Many people confuse Michael W. Smith for Jesus himself, as his presence within Christian culture has been so longstanding.  However, he is proven to be merely a man with striking highlights (because of these strategically placed highlights he was named one of People magazine’s most beautiful people).  Chances are some Christians under the age of 20 may not be familiar with this important figure in Christian history.  These beginners would be best introduced to Michael’s 30 year reign over the contemporary Christian music industry through a perusal of his 29 number-one hit songs. 

Many Christians grew up to the striking beats of “Go West Young Man” and “Secret Ambition”.  It would be advantageous to familiarize yourself with these lyrics in order to drop a reference at appropriate times.  Such as “Oh, I don’t know about that young man. In times like these, when evil goes east, I say we should go west.”  “Well you know Sue, a lifetime’s not too long to live as friends.”  Most Christians will find your use of Michael W. Smith’s lyrics highly encouraging.

Michael’s motivating testimony is also another helpful device in your witnessing toolbelt.  Michael became a Christian at the age of 13, but began drifting from his faith after moving to Nashville to pursue his music dreams. He says of this experience, “I really started losing touch when I moved to Nashville, around April of ’78. I was smokin’ marijuana, drinking, doing some other drugs; just being crazy, you know?”  Michael realized all of his crazy shenanigans were getting him nowhere and he rededicated* his life to Christ.  You can use this story wisely with your non-Christian friends to show them you can empathize with their “crazy” lifestyles.

To impress your Christian friends even more, you might want to refer to Michael as “Smitty” or reveal that the mysterious W. actually stands for Walker- I mean Whitaker.

Witnessing is a difficult and tiring task and should not be attempted by the novice Christian.  However, a beginner will appreciate the tried and true method within the Roman Road which lends itself nicely to new learners.  If you were intimidated by sharing the entire saga of your Christian faith (called a testimony* in Christianese), and actually having to memorize Scripture* or know something about Jesus, don’t be alarmed! The Roman Road, more formally known as the Roman Road to Salvation, has broken it down into five simple steps that even a Gentile can follow.  Simply put, it is a group of Bible verses from the book of Romans, that allows a Christian to explain the path of salvation*.  You’re on your own however in explaining the term salvation itself.

Don’t be intimidated during your first encounter with a non-Christian.  He’s probably more scared of you, than you are of him.  Remain calm, take a deep breath, and invite your new friend to take a walk down the Roman Road.

• Step 1: Romans 3:23- We all have sin in our hearts. We all were born with sin.  Action- Admit that you are a sinner
• Step 2: Romans 6:23a- Sin results in death, a physical and spiritual death. Action- Understand that you deserve death for your sin
• Step 3: Romans 6:23b- Salvation is a free gift from God to you! You can’t earn this gift, but you must reach out and receive it. Action: Ask God to forgive you and save you.
• Step 4: Romans 5:8- Jesus died on the cross to pay the price for our sin. He bought us out of slavery to sin and death.  Action: Simple, Give your life to God.
• Step 5: Romans 10:13- Anyone who calls to Jesus will be saved. Action: Call out to God in the name of Jesus and ask him to “come into your heart”*

Good for you! You’ve shared the five steps! Your non-Christian friend at this point might appear slightly frightened or be slowly backing away.  A valuable phrase in a situation like this is “Do you hear God knocking on your heart’s door? Just open the door and ask Him to come into your heart.”  If you’re friend still appears unimpressed by your imaginative and original statements, he is obviously in need of the good news*, and you should share this helpful little diagram below:

Follow up with statements such as, “Are you ready to cross over? What is stopping you?”

The Roman Road- clearly a priceless utensil in the toolbelt of Christian witnessing.

This verse is also particularly helpful within any theological debate, as it will trump any other Bible verse used.  If you feel threatened or antagonized by a non-Christian during a religious discussion, quote John 3:16 and your combatant will quickly and easily become your comrade for Christ.

John 3:16 is also an excellent way to Christianize your otherwise drab, secular home decor.  This verse is inscribed on most any product you can think of: figurines, posters, bracelets, mugs, T-shirts, bookmarks, cross-stitch patterns, and tombstones. It leaves no excuse for a Christian to leave any part of their life untouched by their Christian faith. 

The highlight of John 3:16 memorization for any Christian is the day of the big game- the day you can promote your Christianity at a major sporting event or concert.  Whether a Cheesehead or a Colt, Christian footballers are united in the stadium under the banner of John 3:16.  When you come across someone with a neon posterboard plastered with “For God so loved the world..” it is best to give them a quick nod, so they can recognize you as a fellow soldier for Christ*.  If you are attempting to make your own John 3:16 sign make sure you are prepared to follow it up with loud and aggressive behavior so that others will be able to take notice of your workmanship.

If you are unable to memorize the verse, but still would like to particpate with other Christians in displaying your faith proudly at a national event, you are taking a risk.  In any event such as this it is important to consider the risk to Christ conversion ratio.  The probability of someone asking you what the verse actually says is minimal, while the probable onlookers who you can witness to is maximal.  However, you also must consider the greater the risk taken, the more reward you will have in heaven. It’s a complicated decision, and one that we will study more in depth when covering the complexities of witnessing.  In this situation, it is almost always best to display your John 3:16 sign even if you do not have the verse memorized.  Most importantly, the crowd will know that even though you’re cheering for the Packers, you’re the biggest fan for Jesus.

Christians love a good Bible story, especially if the main characters are white.  Christians sometimes don’t realize Jesus was born and bred not in the good ol’ U.S. of A, but the Middle East.  However, a bushy-haired, dark complected Savior wouldn’t be quite as appealing as the “guy in the white glowing bathrobe, with the light blue beauty sash and long flowing locks.” (Good, if you know who’s quote this is, you’re already an elightened Christian, or heading straight to hell – depending on who you listen to.)

If you’re a new member of a church teaching children’s Sunday school, and you notice the Bible story characters are all Caucasian- don’t be alarmed.  But also don’t call attention to your astute observation or you will likely be branded as the politically-correct Christian and other members within the church will feel pegged as racists.  It would be best to slowly introduce the children within your Sunday school class to flannelgraph depictions of non-white characters.  Take caution: If this exposure to reality is revealed too quickly, you can expect a destructive outcome, you might even damage a child’s self esteem.  (Take extreme precautions especially when revealing a Moses that does not feature long flowing white hair and beard- this could be highly detrimental to many Christian’s perceptions of their favorite sea-parting hero.)

In most circumstances it would be best to make flattering comments about the beautiful artwork of the Caucasian Jesus displayed in your church’s hallways and classrooms.  Don’t worry, you will probaby cause controversy within the church at some point, but it’s best to start lightly.

A prayer chain in the Christianese language refers to a simple method in which to pass along the prayer needs of other Christians.  Usually these prayer chains, also known as prayer trees, will form between Sunday school classs members.  Sunday school is a forum for Christians to congregrate in a more leisurely setting outside of the church service (we will explore this topic more in depth in another post).  Typically at the end of the Sunday school class, members will share their prayer requests* and praises*.  Ordinarily, members should communicate an equal amount of things to thank God for and things to ask God for.  When disclosing a prayer request it is important to remember to add phrases like, “I know God will work it out”, “I know He has a bigger plan”, instead of expressing doubt or true concern over the pressing matter.

Members of the Sunday school class will then formulate a prayer chain for those urgent prayer requests that occur outside of the Sunday school hour.  The prayer chain is a simple chart that alerts Christians to who they should call or email in order to pass along the vital prayer need.  As a rule, the chart will start with the agreed-upon most Christian-like Christian, typically the Sunday school teacher, at the top of the chain.  This Christian will then be in charge of calling two other Christians to share the prayer need, who will then call two other Christians, until all members of the Sunday School class are aware of the gossip, I mean prayer request.

Prayer chain spreadsheets are easier to make now more than ever thanks to the advances in new technology called Microsoft Excel.  Because of this quick and effective method, all Christians can rest easy knowing that their prayer needs are being efficiently discussed amongst their peers. 

Obviously this preference refers to a certain demographic of Christians, as they are capable of comprehending and using the online social network Facebook.  Within every user profile lies the opportunity for Christians to proclaim that they are yes, in fact a Christian: the formidable “Religious Views” box.  Within this simple phrase lies many complexities, and a daunting word choice on behalf of the user.  This is the chance for any Christian to announce their faith to the Facebook public, but what to say?  If you are a Christian in the midst of this struggle, don’t fear. Many Christians have persevered through this dilemma and there is an array of wonderful phrases to choose from.

As it stands now, the simple term “Christian” is not very cool.  As a new Christian trying to maintain your trendy status among your peers, you might want to stay away from this straightforward phrasing.  Although Christians usually enjoy simplicity, this is one case in which you can explore your creativity and thesaurus. To avoid the impasse altogether many Christians leave the Religious Views slot empty. This may be your best option if you are still perplexed about your own Christian Facebook debut.

For those willing to brave the social network predicament and wade through the countless options- well done. Choose wisely, the coolness of your Christianity hinges upon your way with words.  For a little help, here are some selections from other Christians who have sealed their Facebook fate. Good Luck- I mean God Bless*!

Jesus Freak

I Like Jesus

Follower of Jesus Christ

Daily Disciple of Jesus Christ

Paternal in nature

Jesus is my Lord and Savior

Jesus follower

Born again Christian

Jesus paid it all

Believe that Jesus Christ is my saving grace

JC is the man

If it exists within secular* culture (*= denotes a term we will later define when exploring the Christianese language), there’s a good chance there’s a Christian knockoff.  Christian marketers love a good imitation product.  Why?  Not only does it require less creative effort on behalf of marketers, but it also allows Christians to slyly mock secular culture while still participating it. (being of the world but not in the world*- a pithy saying based off of John 17: 14-16. As we see, another thing Christians like- providing one scripture verse to back up many different actions and beliefs).

Imitations from secular culture also allows the Christian to say “I’m cool” while at the same time witnessing* to his or her friends without having a conversation about Jesus.  It is yet to be documented how many people have converted* to Christianity because of these products, but Christian marketers continue their branding efforts.  Knockoffs are also particularly helpful for Christians who believe the secular version of the same product would be sinful or unedifying* to participate in.  Appalled by the disgraceful, un-Christian like behavior involved in playing a game of Jenga? Don’t worry, there’s probably a more wholesome, Christian version.

In an attempt to bond with fellow Christians it would be a good idea to don in some form a Christian version of a secular product.  These products can be strategically placed on your physical self, in your cubicle, or within your home to guarantee the most exposure to your non-Christian friends, therefore maximizing impact and potential of Jesus-conversion.  We have composed a short list to help in your efforts: 

• Tic Tacs: Testamints - a clever little mint that is wrapped in a verse of Scripture, nothing like fresh, minty breath while you’re witnessing to the masses
• Board Games:  Most board games come in a Bible version: Mad Gab (the makers say you’ll be laughing ”yourself silly solving these puzzles based upon the Bible. This game is so much fun you’ll want to play for 40 days and 40 nights!”), Bibleopoly (start “In the Beginning”, and travel through biblical cites, Meditation, Community Celebration, and occasionally the Abyss! You can earn a Cornerstone be helping a fellow player, or but doing community service, and make offerings in order to earn the bricks and steeple you need to build a church. Watch out for the “Go Meditate” spot on the board, though–you’ll lose three turns!”). Other Bible versions of secular games include: Apples to Apples, Outburst, Scategories, Bible Charades, and more!
• Yellow Pages:  Christian Yellow Pages- for those Christians who prefer not to associate with non-Christians in person or through telecommunications
• The Grammy’s: The Dove Awards- recognizing the best in Christian music (definitely don’t forget to thank God in your acceptance speech here)
• Seventeen or YM: Brio Magazine for Girls- Are you a hypcrocite? What’s your spiritual appetite style? What’s your Bible Q? These are some of the informative quizzes that Brio Magazine helps teen Christian girls solve. You can also disover the newest fashions while learning how to still dress modestly
• Rockfest: GodStock, Cornerstone, Sonshine Festival (there are many Christian outdoor music festivals to choose from, which include Christian mosh pits and all)
• American Idol: Gifted debuted on TBN to find the best undisovered star in Christian music. Ryan Seacrest is replaced by former Backstreet Boys member Brian Littrell.  Unfortunately, Amy Grant was not available as a Christian substitute for Paula Abdul
• Eminen: Toby Mac or KJ52- if you’re in need of another White rapper
• Carmen the opera: Carman. Enough said. Mention your interest in Carman to any Christian over the age 0f 40 for instant respectability.
• Chuck Norris: Chuck Norris! No substitute needed- Chuck recently came out publicly as a JC* follower, allowing Christians to claim his as their own.  Every major religion deserves their own martial arts star.
• Stuffwhitepeoplelike.com:  Stuffchristianslike2.com- Yes, even this website is a replication of the real thing. We take back any statements implying that an imitation requires less creative effort.